battered wife syndrome, an empathic view

the battered wife syndrome, 
an empathic view

the battered wife syndrome is not really a syndrome, but a misconception
actually three misconceptions are at hand
one on the part of the woman involved
one on the part of the male involved
and some on the part of outsiders involved or not.

     It is often stated that especially women who have low self esteem fall victim to wife beaters or are inclined to stay with them.
But if that were really the case, 90% of women would fall victim, because allmost all women are insure about something or other.

The  few women who take off after the first blow are not  the ones with  sound or extreme selfesteem but the ones who know what that first blow means and what will follow, or who have parents or friends who manage to convince the victim of that.
They are the ones who have been beaten before, who have experienced such a thing with their mother or a familymember or a friend, or who have learned from other sources what men like that are about.

The notion that only women with low self esteem do not run off right away, may seem logical at first sight,  since esp for a man taking a beating equals surrendering, equals a lower position, but for a woman that is not necessarily the case.
A woman who is really in love may consider overlooking a beating an act of sacrifice , or may be inclined to  -understand- and forgive.
Lots of female qualities, that of course also males can have, that are intrinsically good, and will be praised in  regular relationships, because it is those qualities that keep families and relatonships together, can become regarded as bad qualites in another scenario, whereas in fact something else is bad, namely the syndrome of the wife beater.
These basically good qualities, that are necessary in relatonships, will in a relatonship with a wife beater,  in fact work against the female.

 Such female usually is unable to realise right away what she has gotten herself into, and how dangerous the tendencies of her partner really are.
This is not as  strange as outsiders often think.
They forget the beating doesn’t start right away, before it starts she has established a relatonship with him an has come to a positive opinion on the guy.
Usually these men are popular, outgoing and overwhelming and she will be swept off her feet completely and really believe the most wonderful guy in the world fell in love with her.
She will be ever so happy, and feel that if he does do so much for here, the least she can do is stand by him if she believes he needs her or does something wrong.
Moreover if she is not familiar with the wife beater syndrome, she will consider the first attack a misunderstanding because he was under duress of some sort, or even because she feels she may have done something to irritate him.

She doesn’t know right away that this is his way of dealing with stress, with problems, with anything that bothers him, again because intrinsically good female qualities prevent her from seeing what is going on.

Hardly any young girl will even be able to wrap her mind around the notion of bad people, of people who can be so loveless and thoughtless and ruthless that they beat up women and think nothing of it. 
Young girls mostly believe that people are good and wise and stuff like that, that is what makes them so sweet, and vulnerable.
Some are lucky and find good guys, some are not and find bad guys.
Are there signs that can tell in advance if some guy is a bad guy? Yes, there are. But you have to be more mature to be able to see those and recognise them in time.
We will discuss those later.

   Now what is considered the battered wife syndrome is that the woman cannot let go of the guy and keeps going back and  keeps protecting him. 
This is generally considered weekness, whereas they really are ignorant  and cannot see the guy for what he is, because they often really love them and are not familar with the wife beater syndrome.
Pounding on these women  while ordering them to get more selfesteem is laughable, and will only drive them back to a guy who at least sometimes will be nice to them.
Outsiders should understand she is acting like that because she doesn’t know any better for lack of experience . insight, or lack of good friends.
   Just remember how difficult it can be to accept the death of a loved one, even when not sudden. Just remember how we do not agree, how we miss them and how it can take a year or longer to get accustomed to our new lives, without that person.
Any major  change in our lives  usually takes time to get used to and accept.
Such a process is not a syndrome, but a learning experience.

   Most battered women figure things out after a year or after 3 beatings. Some need longer and some never figure out their great guy is not so great at all.
Sometimes that is because these women have nowhere to go to, or believe bringing up children without an income is worse than taking an occasional beating.
  Some believe they can change the guy by love,  some are very strong or patient and can keep up with things longer than others.
  Some even believe this is part of marriage, esp when e.g. her mother was beaten up as well, or tells her to put up with it.
There is not necessarly a negative reason for their behaviour, but what they do have in common is that they do not realise their guy is crazy, even though they will often call him that.

So there are several misconceptions going on;
 outsiders often cannot understand why these women cannot right away leave the guy and look down on them, thus making things worse
The woman cannot see the guy for who he really is
The guy is the one with the syndrome, bullying and dominating fine women and children in much the same way that regular criminals bully strangers, but is still often regarded as a nice guy because he wll as a rule be ougoing and popular.

There is something else that should change and that is the words used in the media when a woman is battered or killed.
It is always stated there was a fight and things got out of hand.
But in 95% of the cases there was no fight at all. The guy comes home something bothers him and he launches himself at his wife and children who are physically nowhere his equals.
So no fight. The guy just goes bezerk, for whatever reason

Once a woman knows she has to leave she wll find a way and she will find help, but it may take her a while to get there.

As for the  warning signs you may have a man or a boyfriend you should leave,
those are

1/ the most characteristic trait is that they have never done anything wrong, nothing is ever their fault.
Not in small things not in big things, not if they take the wrong turn in traffic, not when they beat up their children or wives, because in their experience they made them do that hence they do not really feel guilty or responsible, because they can’t, they really can t.
Usually these guys have mothers who adore them and fathers ditto.
They were never punsihed or put on the spot when they grew up so they honestly do not believe anything bad is their doing because they have no concept of something like that.

Allthough it must be said some of these man have a predisposition for that lack of responsiblity, meaning they are  born that way. Only when brought up in a stern way things wll not get out of hand  as much when they grow older.
One of a twin, who later turned out to be a wife beater, told his mother when he could barely talk, that the other twin had soiled his diaper after he shitted in it himself.
That is an example of a possible  inborn predisposition to not be able to see their own part in things,  and that they maybe really lacking that capacity, just like regular criminals do.

This is the most characteristic trait and also explains why the beating will never stop if you leave it up to them. They honestly do not see how anything could be their fault
So in a way they are  too be pitied, and some women love that deep and take such a guy for who he is.
But it is not advisable because you would not only give up your life in a  figurative sense but you may do so eventually also in a litteral sense.

Once these guys kill their wives, they often really do grieve, because they miss them, but still are unable to really take responsibility since that is precisely what their problem is

2/ in the white race, they will more often than not have brown eyes

3/they will enjoy teasing.
You will come to wonder sooner or later and early on in the relationship if  he is really teasing or if it is something else what he is doing
You wll feel very uncomfortable, but you will be inclined to forget about  such events.
Do not forget about them. That can ultimately cost you your life.

4/ they will not  feel responsible for their own actions, but  will be very quick in judging others and preaching about how things should be or how others should do things.
When you hear them talk, you cannot but think that guy must be perfect.

5/ they will want you to be with him all the time, and follow him. This way they will, unintentionally maybe, isolate you and absorb you and even though in the beginning this can feel good and right it will work against you later on.

If your boyfriend has these traits he is not a wife beater with 100% certainty, but if he shows these traits and beats you once, you better get the gell away from him, because it will get worse and worse and harder and harder to leave  the longer it takes before you do, because he will get more and more fixated and will eventually get very unwilling to let you go.He is crazy if he beats you, you wll do better if you give yourself a chance.
Anything is better than a guy like that, even a dog or a cat.
Remeber that whatever you think or do, never threaten him to leave him, never tell him you are going, never go back to talk things over, do not post on facebook you are single, do not dare him when you are going to leave. Do not tell him, just leave and stay out of sight for a while, because he will try and get you back and you should not go back.
However painful it wll be to leave and miss him, if you go back you wll have to undergo that painful process of missing and leaving again and again,  if you are lucky, that is.
He may also kill you sooner once he has been left or senses you are about to do so, no matter how many times you promise him you won’t do that.
Such a relationship is not about what you think, but about what he thinks.

Bottomline  here;
the woman is not inferior, she just doesn't  get it

copyright jan 2013
by donna q